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20 Worst Office New Year’s Resolution Ideas


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It’s the New Year and with the premier of the new Star Wars movie 2016 is already looking to be an exciting year! Will Donald Trump be the next President? Will the Detroit Lions have a winning record? Will you be able get back into shape like you’ve been saying you will for the last 6 New Year resolutions? It’s hard to say. Either way, here is a list of the worst New Year’s resolution ideas that you or your team may want to avoid in 2016.

  1. Fire more employees. We all know that they are after your position. This is called job security.
  1. Get the latest iPhone before your co-workers do. When you show up to work make sure you ask everyone around you what iPhone they currently use so that you feel more important when you have the better version.
  1. Place a company tax on the vending machine. What is 75 cents X 365 days a year?
  1. Stop turning away the Girl Scout cookies. We promise you will forget the hole in your wallet with a stomach full of Thin Mints.
  1. Cut back wasted staples. It’s not a waste if you can build a really high staple tower.
  1. Give more warnings. Look at them as friendly reminders to remind employees that they are easily dispensable.
  1. Set up your Xbox at work. It sounds better if you call it a team-building activity.
  1. Embezzlement? “I didn’t know” is probably a strong enough defense right?
  1. Try not to leave chapstick in your pants while washing laundry. Make it a goal to completely finish one tube of chapstick this year without losing or melting it in the dryer.
  1. Spend half of your lunch break working out. Not only will you feel great but having a sweaty business suit will make you look more motivated than your co-workers.
  1. Go to the “dentist” every month. “Why are all of your dentist appointments on Friday afternoon?”
  1. Message more “selfies” to your LinkedIn connections. If you want selfie taking advice google “Jeb Bush selfie advice.”
  1. Set up a system to cut back water cooler gossip. Step 1. Unplug the water cooler to bring water back to room temperature.
  1. Laugh at your own jokes during meetings. “If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Ha Ha Ha.”
  1. Watch and episode of The Office with your crew every week. “Bears, beats, Battlestar Galactica.”
  1. Look like you are trying harder than everyone around you so you can get a raise. Don’t forget to compliment your boss’s tie every day.
  1. Keep the break room fridge stocked with nutritious snacks to help with your employee’s goals. Then bill them at the end of the pay period for the food they take.
  1. Reward bathroom-pass tickets to increase company sales. Cheap toilet paper also increases profit by reducing employee bathroom break time.
  1. Stop treating employees fairly. This can increase competitiveness and your company will gain the competitive advantage it needs to be successful.
  1. Set up work parties and activities for your single employees. Then, months later, make them sign a personal relationship form stating that they will not date anyone in the office.

Please note that following this advice will make you become the most hated person in the office in as little as 3-5 weeks. In all reality we wish you a Happy New Year and hope that you will see success in following your REAL New Year’s Office Resolutions!

Brett R.

Author:

Author Bio: Brett is a sales and tech support representative for TImeClick. He likes studying religion, science, and business. When not at work, school, or on the tennis court, he is usually playing his Takemine acoustic guitar. Currently working on a bachelor’s degree in Marketing at Utah State University.

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